Thursday, November 20, 2014

5 Years

 I can hardly believe it's been 5 years since our little Jaren passed away.  It seem like forever ago!

The past 3 years we have been sharing Jaren's story with our family, friends, and neighbors for FHE for the whole month of November.  This year it has been extra special.  Each time it's gone a little differently, even though we had the same  basic outline of what we wanted to share.

This past Monday we had two couples over, they are both dear friends, and we loved having them in our home. It was special to feel the spirit in our home with them, and to tell them about Jaren.

As Steven was talking he got on the topic of what we had done before Jaren was admitted to the hospital. I hadn't taken a whole lot of time to think about this particular instance until then, but as he spoke I was reminded what an important moment this time was for me.

I'll explain some detail to help you understand what I'm trying to say.

To start, on Monday, November 9, 2009 Jaren was being really fussy, he was that way all day on the 9th and 10th. His gums were super swollen and you could tell his teeth were about to come through.  So at first this was all I thought was wrong.  On Wednesday, the 11th, he took his usual long afternoon nap. When he woke up he was super sad, so I sat in the rocking chair with him.  He immediately fell asleep on my chest.  He NEVER, and I mean NEVER slept on me, so I thought this was really strange. Even more strange because he'd just slept for several hours.  So I called the Doctor thinking this had to be more than "just teeth".  We were able to get an appointment 30 minutes later.  As we sat in the Doctor's office he fell asleep on me again.  Which again, made me wonder what could possibly be wrong, this was so unusual for him to do.

The Doctor's office checked his temperature, it was 103 degrees F.  His noise, ears and throat all looked healthy.  When he looked down his throat with a popsicle stick Jaren threw up.  This is when we was diagnosed with Gastroenteritis. We were told he'd be throwing up and having diarrhea - and that we would need to make sure he stayed hydrated.


Friday morning, his fever was 104.2 and he wouldn't eat or drink anything. We tried everything, milk, nursing, juice, water, feeding from a bottle, using a medicine syringe on the side of his mouth. He refused.  So we took him to the ER (emergency room at the hospital).  They couldn't draw blood - but were able to put an IV in him to hydrate him (let's not talk about how stupid they were here! I could rant and rant, but it doesn't make me feel any better, so please just don't ask or say anything about it, thanks!). They told us we could go home if we wanted since we couldn't get him to eat or drink there, so we did.

At this point you can imagine we were feeling a bit hopeless, they had nothing to offer.  They just sent us home with a sick boy and no answers.   That day was hard.   My mom and mother-in-law came over to help me with Jaren.  He was arching his back and really in pain.  I couldn't even hold him anymore, my arms hurt so bad. My mom came and gave me break and held him so I could try to sleep a little.  The hard day turned into a long night.  Steven, who was in school, really couldn't focus on anything else.  We didn't know what to do for Jaren.  Jaren had received a priesthood blessing on that first day I took Jaren to the Doctor.  But that night, after being worn and watching him suffer all day, I was very angry.  I hate to say this, but at the time this is how I felt.  I was angry with God. And I was venting to my husband.  Saying things like...."why isn't the blessing helping?", "I don't know what to do?", "why does he have to suffer like this?".  I was in tears. I was frustrated. I was hurting.  My baby was in pain and the ER didn't help him, and I didn't seem to be able to do anything to help him.  And God was not blessing him with health and peace from all that was going on.

My husband is the sweetest and most patient person I know.  He has always responded in love to me. He wasn't mad at me for wondering these things.  And he offered me some hope, and helped me remember to have faith, even though things aren't going the way I want them.  This is the moment I was referring to earlier.  At this moment when I was so angry, helpless and hopeless.  Steven pulled out one of the Teaching of the Prophets books, it was the teachings of Joseph Smith, chapter 19, "Stand Fast through the Storms of Life". We read about how Joseph was up one night caring for his 11 month old son (just like Jaren, 11 months), who was sick with the measles. Joseph had finally fallen asleep when the angry mob barged in and drug him out, ripped his clothes off and tarred and feathered him.  His son died 5 days later from being exposed to the cold that night while suffering with the measles.

As I read this account, it is touching and encouraging to know that this didn't stop Joseph. He still had faith, he sill loved God. He didn't blame God. But he kept moving forward.  As we read and talked about this account that night, I remember feeling the spirit and my heart was softened.  I was still frantic and worried, but I knew I needed God.

By Saturday, the 14th, Jaren was in total pain, bloated belly, he couldn't open his eyes, and he was groaning.  We didn't think the gastroenteritis could be this bad.  So we went back to the ER, who had sent us home the day before with nothing.  The discussed options and finally decided to send us to Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake City.  That day, as the Doctors there tried to figure out what was wrong, they came in after having Jaren away from us for a few hours to let us know, "they didn't know if he would make it".  Those words pierced my soul. I can't even describe what hearing those words feels like.

After telling us all that they would do to try to help him and figure out what was wrong, they let us go see him.  He was hooked up to all sorts of tubes, and machines.  His hospital room was one of the most spiritual places I've ever been.  He was so close to the other side, and we could feel the Spirit of the Lord.

My dad recalls coming to see us and seeing the nurses and doctors running about, and I was there, stroking Jaren, singing, "I am a Child of God".  We had so many people fasting and praying for Jaren and us, and we were truly lifted by that. I'm so thankful for that.  It has been what has helped us through these last 5 years. 

I'm so thankful for a husband who helped turn me in the right direction at probably the most critical moment.  Without God, without the Gospel of Jesus Christ, without my knowledge of the plan of salvation and eternal families, I would not be able to move on.  I'm sure I'd be in a very deep state of grieving and pain still.  But Jesus Christ paid the ultimate price for us. God gave His son.  After losing my son in death, I can only try to imagine what it was like for God to willing let His son suffer and die for us.  He did this because He loves us.  Knowing Christ suffered for my sins, my pains, sufferings give me strength. I know He knows how I felt 5 years ago, how Jaren felt then, how I feel now. And although every day is not easy, as I turn to Him, He is always there, with loving arms to lift and help me along the way.

My pain is still there.  I miss Jaren. I long to hold him again. But I have an overwhelming sense of peace to be able to move forward, striving one day at a time to make it back to God's presence. That's where Jaren is. And that's where I want to me.  He's my little light house - helping me find my way.  I love him for that. I'm so thankful I was chosen to be his mother! I'm so blessed!  He's changed who I am.

I love you Jaren, see you soon!