Motherly Thoughts

 

[Mom & Jaren - Fall 2009]

Last night I had one of those guilt moments about what I didn't do for Jaren that I wished I could have done.  I won't go into the details, cause I know most of my thoughts are Satan trying to make me feel awful and that I'm not a good enough mother. It's hard to break out of that slump of thinking sometimes, but I've learned that I really have the power to cast all of those thoughts out. I know Heavenly Father doesn't feel that way and neither does Jaren.  

Anyhow, I kind of started thinking about Jaren as I thought of my sweet little 5 month old, Sara.  She reminds me so much of Jaren in so many ways.  Which is a tender mercy from my Heavenly Father. I'm thankful to be reminded of him in anyway. 

I sent myself an email of what I was thinking about when I couldn't sleep.....it helped calm my heart as I thought about it all. 

Here were some of my thoughts:

I can't stop thinking about Jaren tonight. It all started  when I was thinking about how much Sara reminds me of him. Her round face, her kinky chubby wrists and beefy chest and arms, her beady little wide open eyes. Her light colored hair with a big thick pile of hair right on top! So sweet! Love these little babes!

I feel so frustrated with myself sometimes for getting impatient with Addie and Sara. How can I be so impatient with them when I know how fragile life is? 

Then I was thinking about Kaia (my cute little one year old niece) and Sara and how they are both little like Jaren was when he passed away. It's hard work to take care of these little ones! Then I got thinking about how I took for granted how good I had it when Jaren was a babe.  And then all of the sudden, literally, he was gone. He was fine and then got sick - we had a short, crazy week in the hospital and he was gone from this life. Our lives were immediately changed. And I miss him. I miss him so much. I often think about what life would be like if he were here with his two little sisters. I'd have a 5 1/2 year old!!! I can't even fathom that!

Right now Jaren is helping me remember to hug and hold on to my little ones. They are only little once. They'll only need me like they do now once. One day they'll be grown and might not even think of me in a single day. I want to make the most of the time I have with them now. I want too create a relationship with them that is important to us both and that is strong. I want them to know that I love them and would do anything for them.

Jaren changed who I am. And he's still very much a part of my life. He's still changing and influencing me for the better. He didn't really need me. I needed him. That's probably why he's gone and I'm here. God  has a perfect plan. And I'm glad He knows me well enough to give me the trails I need to bring me closer to Him. Jaren had brought me closer to Him. I'm so thankful for that!  Love my little angel children!

[Addie & Sara - my two little rays of sunshine! Aren't they sweet holding hands?]

Jaren's Obituary

Jaren Steven Grover

NORTH LOGAN - Jaren Steven Grover, 11 months old, peacefully returned to his Heavenly Father on November 20, 2009 at Primary Children's Hospital due to bacterial meningitis.

He was born November 26, 2008 in Logan, Utah to Steven and Lindsay King Grover.

Jaren has brought so much joy and meaning into the lives of his family. He has the sweetest little smile that always made our hearts melt. He loved to learn all that he could. A few of his favorite things to do were to spin wheels on his toy cars, or girl friends' baby strollers, he loves to brush his teeth and wash his hands. He'd always get this excited smile when it was time to do it. He loved to peek at himself in the mirror and see his little friend, he smiled so big. Every day when he'd take a bath he'd feel the water come out of the tap and sometimes turn the shower on and spray himself really good. He loved to kick and splash in the tub, it was too much fun. He'd also try to catch the swirl of the water going down the drain and he'd lay down and listen to the water drain from the tub. The smallest things were so intriguing to him. Jaren loved to sing songs....he could do the actions to 'patty cake' and he loved to be sang songs such as 'I love you...a bushel and a peck', 'I am a Child of God', 'I hope they call me on a Mission', and 'I lived in Heaven'. Jaren was sent to our family for a special reason, and he fulfilled his mission here. He has strengthened our testimonies of the Gospel and made us better people. We are so happy to know that one day we will be right with him again. We know he is making people happy in heaven, and that he is bringing joy to them. We love our little angel and will miss him.

Survived by father, Steven Grover; mother, Lindsay King Grover; grandparents, Bruce and Maureen Grover, Jeffrey and Diana King; great grandmother, Alice Jensen; great grandparents, Val and Kathy King, Ron and Rosella Boman.

Funeral services will be held at 12 p.m. Tuesday, November 24, 2009 at the North Logan Stake Center on 2750 N 800 E, North Logan, Utah. A viewing will take place prior to the funeral from 10 a.m. to 11:45 a.m. in the stake center. Jaren will be buried in the North Logan Cemetery.

In Loving Memory

Last night we went to temple square to do lots of praying and thinking. We felt that Jaren's life was going to go one direction or the other very soon. The doctors told us that his brain was beyond repair. We felt full of faith that Jaren could be healed if it was Heavenly Father's will. We also knew that his life was in Heavenly Father's hands, and that he had a plan for him that we, as his earthly parents, did not fully understand.

We returned to the Hospital, we prayed and had some elders who worked at the hospital come to give Jaren a blessing with me. The Spirit was so strong. In the blessing I was prompted to tell Jaren that he had a choice to either be healed completely and continue to live here on Earth, experiencing the joys and pains of mortality or that he could return to live with his Father in Heaven.

Jaren passed away peacefully this morning around 9:30 A.M. We know that he was welcomed by family, and by a loving Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. We know that he is happy.

Words cannot describe the way we feel at this time. We are so comforted to know that God's plan is real and that we will see Jaren again. This life is just a little spec in the whole picture. Jaren will only feel like we are gone but a moment from him. We are so blessed to be able to have him in our eternal family. Now we only have to continue to live worthy to be with his spirit again. We love you Jaren....we know you are up in Heaven spinning wheels on cars and making your Grandparents and Great Grandparents smile and laugh. We miss you so much. Don't forget that we will always love you.....You are our angel.

Dad's Daily Update

Jaren has been urinating more today, so they won't do dialysis. Other than that there really hasn't been too much of change yet. His blood pressure is good. They've been able to reduce oxygen levels and everything looks good.

Thanks for everyone's love and support, hopefully we'll have more news tomorrow or later this week.

 Love, Steven, Lindsay, and Jaren

Nighty Night

Well we are shooting for a bed time before mid-night tonight.

We've had some amazing experiences today.....and some really hard things. But we are making it through so well. We know the Lord is blessing us.

We could post the last post for a while because we felt that we needed to pray and gain some insight and revelation on what was happening. After the doc told us all that new of all the ranges of things that could go on with Jaren...well, we cried to say the least. We came back to Jaren's room and just stared at him......thoughts of all sorts were crossing our minds. I couldn't handle it and knew we needed to go pray and ask Heavenly Father for help.....and we kept waiting there just thinking.....it's hard to pray when you can't focus. So we were mustering up the courage to pray and to know what to pray for.

We decided that we needed a room to ourselves. So Steven and I found a quite room. We sat again, just thinking. Steven asked me to say the prayer.....and then we waited some more. And yes, you all waited too. But we had to know what to think and what to say to you all.

Before we started I told Steven that I knew Heavenly Father was NOT like Satan, he does not lead us to think things that are not true if we are truly in tune with the spirit we will have the thoughts in our minds that he wants us to have. So as we knelt, I asked the Holy Ghost in my mind to guide my prayer, I was still unsure what to say. The prayer just came, the words just flowed from my mouth. I don't remember much of what I prayed for. I thanked Heavenly Father for his spirit and for the comfort of all of the prayer and fasting in our behalf. I told him we could truly feel the peace from it. I told him how confused we were and that we didn't understand any of this. I asked him to please help our thoughts be focused in the direction that is where he wanted us to be. I told him I knew that he wouldn't let us think things that weren't going to be happening.

After the prayer we sat for a few minutes and pondered....trying to receive personal revelation on what we were to gain from that prayer. After a few minutes.....we were still both thinking a lot, and I said to Steven that when I thought of Jaren dying or planning his funeral, that thought was immediately replaced with something else....something that felt good and very different from death. I told him I was sure that he would live. What I am unsure about is what he will be like long term. But one thing I do know is that however he is as he lives is how the Lord has planned this. It may be perfect and he may live to be 101, or he may die young. But Jaren knew what would happen to him when he came to this earth, and that is why he is so freaking awesome.....he still wanted a body, which is how we progress in the wonderful Plan of Salvation. He knew that this wouldn't be easy, but that it would help him. He was sent to this earth for a specific purpose. His purpose is obviously very special. He is a very special boy. He will live on this earth until he has finished all that the Lord has in store for him. He will enrich our lives while we are on this earth no matter what kind of conditions he has (perfect or not). I believe that he was a little too perfect for this earth. And he is trying to teach us more about God's plan for us. What an amazing thing.

I bore this testimony to my grandparents, Steven and my Mother tonight as we finished our dinner. I sat there for 20 minutes or more it felt like trying to get the guts to spit it out. I felt so weird until I bore it....like you do in testimony meeting sometime, you keep ignoring the prompting and you feel like you heart is going to jump out of your body. After I bore my testimony, which I knew they all needed to hear. I felt this burning in my stomach....it was strong. I know it was the spirit of God. It was the strongest I've ever felt it on this earth. Wow, it really was more amazing than I can describe.

Right now I feel like a rock, solid in what I know and that God's plan is more than perfect. We however are far from it and he is helping us understand it. It's starting to make so much more sense as we have had this Spirit and revelation. I am so thankful for the testimony that Heavenly Father blessed me with. I have always known I'd have it, and it is my rock and my strength and the reason that I am able to live my life right now and share my thoughts so well with you. I hope your testimonies are strengthened by this wonderful experience and trial. Don't ever forget that Heavenly Father truly never gives a trial you cannot handle. If you seek his guidance he will bless you. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

-A few updates on the little man:

-Around 7:00 tonight they put in a chest tube that goes into his lung (he's been so swollen, incredibly swollen) and it's been doing so good. It's bringing a steady good flow out from his lungs and he is peeing again quite often. WAHOOOOOO....we've been waiting for this.

-He's had some sweet cards from my mom's elementary class....i'll have to post later some of their comments....kids really say the 'darn-est' things.

-He just seems to look a bit better now after all that swelling, his pH balance in he blood and all the levels of everything are looking so much better from the drainage...it's great.

Keep praying, we'll still be here a while and truly feel peace from your love and support.

Sorry this was a novel......but I love you and want you to know everything, and this is my journal for now.

Update from Dad

I wish my first blog post was about something happier (because this is Steven, not Lindsay). The kind doctor who has been working with us went over the MRI scans with us. It felt pretty unreal to see all the images of Jaren's brain. There is a substantial amount of damage in all areas of the brain. The doc says they still can't tell us what this all might mean for us. The only thing that can tell now really is time. In a few days we should see some more signs of what is possible.

Recovery could range from full to minimal. The doctor says based on what they've seen, he believes Jaren will live. He may have trouble eating on his own, need a ventilator (for a short or long term period), have epilepsy, learning disability. The doctor said that his heart (already strong), liver, and kidneys will recover. Basically at this point in time, his quality of life is very unknown.

Thanks again for all your love, prayers and support. We really can feel it. The Spirit is strong.

Love ya'll,

Steven, Lindsay, and Jaren

MRI at 11:00 AM

Hey all....I don't know what to write. Jaren is having an MRI soon. They neuro-doctor came in and said he is very concerned about the parts of his brain that make him do involuntary things like breathing and swallowing etc. I feel your prayers, but I am feeling so sad right now. I've been keeping so strong. But I know miracles happen, and I can't help but hope for a really amazing one.

We'll know sometime after 1:00 the results from the MRI.

Please keep praying. I miss my baby so bad......I want to play with him and hold him. God's will work out for the best in our lives. I just don't know what it is yet, and I'm trying to stay strong while we wait to find out.

I'll I can ask for is prayers.......thank you soooooooooooo much!

Love,

The Grover's