Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Motherly Thoughts


 
[Mom & Jaren - Fall 2009]

Last night I had one of those guilt moments about what I didn't do for Jaren that I wished I could have done.  I won't go into the details, cause I know most of my thoughts are Satan trying to make me feel awful and that I'm not a good enough mother. It's hard to break out of that slump of thinking sometimes, but I've learned that I really have the power to cast all of those thoughts out. I know Heavenly Father doesn't feel that way and neither does Jaren.  

Anyhow, I kind of started thinking about Jaren as I thought of my sweet little 5 month old, Sara.  She reminds me so much of Jaren in so many ways.  Which is a tender mercy from my Heavenly Father. I'm thankful to be reminded of him in anyway. 

I sent myself an email of what I was thinking about when I couldn't sleep.....it helped calm my heart as I thought about it all. 

Here were some of my thoughts:
I can't stop thinking about Jaren tonight. It all started  when I was thinking about how much Sara reminds me of him. Her round face, her kinky chubby wrists and beefy chest and arms, her beady little wide open eyes. Her light colored hair with a big thick pile of hair right on top! So sweet! Love these little babes!

I feel so frustrated with myself sometimes for getting impatient with Addie and Sara. How can I be so impatient with them when I know how fragile life is? 

Then I was thinking about Kaia (my cute little one year old niece) and Sara and how they are both little like Jaren was when he passed away. It's hard work to take care of these little ones! Then I got thinking about how I took for granted how good I had it when Jaren was a babe.  And then all of the sudden, literally, he was gone. He was fine and then got sick - we had a short, crazy week in the hospital and he was gone from this life. Our lives were immediately changed. And I miss him. I miss him so much. I often think about what life would be like if he were here with his two little sisters. I'd have a 5 1/2 year old!!! I can't even fathom that!

Right now Jaren is helping me remember to hug and hold on to my little ones. They are only little once. They'll only need me like they do now once. One day they'll be grown and might not even think of me in a single day. I want to make the most of the time I have with them now. I want too create a relationship with them that is important to us both and that is strong. I want them to know that I love them and would do anything for them.

Jaren changed who I am. And he's still very much a part of my life. He's still changing and influencing me for the better. He didn't really need me. I needed him. That's probably why he's gone and I'm here. God  has a perfect plan. And I'm glad He knows me well enough to give me the trails I need to bring me closer to Him. Jaren had brought me closer to Him. I'm so thankful for that!  Love my little angel children!

[Addie & Sara - my two little rays of sunshine! Aren't they sweet holding hands?]