Sunday, August 17, 2014

Missing Him


The other night before going to bed I was thinking about how school is starting around here.  If Jaren were here still he'd be starting Kindergarten tomorrow. And I started crying. As I've been going to the store lately I keep passing the little boys section and wanting to buy some boy clothes.  If Jaren were here, I'd be doing that.  I want that. I want him. I miss having my little boy here.  I really long to hold him and have our family all be together again. 

I often find myself imagining what it would be like if Addie and Sara had their older brother here to play with them and probably make them cry sometimes too. I'm sure there would be a little more drama then we have right now with 2.  Sometimes I feel I can hardly stand the drama of Addie and Sara.  But I long for Jaren and the reality of what it would be like if he were here.

When I was expecting Addie just 3 months after Jaren passed away, I was so excited to be pregnant again.  I was excited that we'd have another little person to care for.  I also had feelings of fear, like, am I replacing him?  But I talked myself out of those thoughts because I knew I really wasn't.  Addie and Sara have brought the joy of parenting back into our home and I'm thankful.  With Jaren absent for now - I find myself thinking of him in the moments when I struggle with the frustrations that can come with motherhood.  He helps me remember to be more patient.  

Most of the time I find myself perfectly content with my life. I know where Jaren is - he's in heaven and he's doing Heavenly Father's work.  I know he's where he's supposed to be - and I've become a stronger person since becoming his mother. But sometimes I just feel jipped, I need him, and I want him, and I want him now.  Sometimes it just doesn't seem fair.  But when I stop crying and stop and think. It really is fine - God blessed me with an eternal family and I have the opportunity to be with Jaren again.  And not only that, I get to start right where we left off. When he is resurrected at Christ's second coming, he will still be 6 days shy of being one year old.  And I will still get to teach him and take care of him and do all those things that I long to do now.  If I look at it that way then him not being here is only a blessing. I'm not really jipped of anything. I have something to look forward to, to work toward and to live up to.  If I don't keep the promises I've made with God to have my eternal family then I won't be able to have that. There is nothing I want more. Jaren has given me even more reason to stay true, to keep enduring and living to my fullest potential here.  I'm thankful for that.  He's my little angel.  

All you Mom's with boys starting kindergarten this year, please give them a big squeeze and a kiss for me.  And hold on a little tighter! They are so sweet and we are so lucky to be their mothers!  

I love you little man! 

Love, 
Mommy